Madness, I Tell You
by Heian Edenwood
Summary: A series of cracks spawned from the diabolical minds of SmileBot and Heian Edenwood.


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**MADNESS, I TELL YOU**

**- :. .: -**

**Disclaimer:** Assassin's Creed and all of its characters are property of UbiSoft. I do not profit from it, apart from getting entertainment from doing my fanfiction and improving on my language and writing skills. Also, all events and characters are purely fictitious and any similarities to people or events in real life are purely coincidental.

**Fandom:** Assassin's Creed, Assassin's Creed 2

**Author:** Heian Edenwood  
**Co-Author**: Smilebot

**Beta-Reader: **-

**Listening to:** -

**(Crack) Pairings:** EzioxLeonardo, Al Mualim, Altair, Mario, Malik and Pigeons (!) of epic sizes

**Warnings:** Cussing and mild sexuality - you have been warned.

**Author's Note:** This initially started off as a conversation with SmileBot, which steered to joking about the Assassin's Creed section being flooded with PWP, which steered to the topic on Altair and Malik pairings (I think they're more like brothers, rather than the angsty lover duo everyone seems to favour), to our RP on some some AltairxMalik romping (private joke between us), to SmileBot's take on Ezio (imaginary) paranoia of pigeons... and well, to this. :D

**Summary:** Oh shiz.

* * *

**1. Pigeons (Heian Edenwood and Smilebot)**

Ezio squirmed against the heavy bonds against his wrist. "Er… Leo? Is this safe?"

"_Il mio amore_, of course it's safe," chuckled Leonardo as he turned around and ceased his rummaging through the chest before him.

Ezio merely nodded as he eyed Leonardo's back suspiciously. Something wasn't right.

Seconds later, Leonardo gave a triumphant cry as he brought out something from the chest. "I made this while you were gone..."

Giving a pleased smile and padding silently over to Ezio, he presented his contraption to Ezio, "I'm sure you'll love it!"

Ezio's eyes widened as he gaped at it in horror.

The horror.

Oh.

Fucking.

Damn.

Ezio mentally cursed the entire lineage of his ancestors as he stared at the evil contraption, trying his best to plaster on a sexy smile to not disappoint the other; _merda_, to think that he would incorporate his feathery fiends!

"I want to put this inside of you."

Hell. _Fottiti_. No.

Mind racing rapidly as he plastered that bedamned grin, that felt as if it was rapidly corroding his face, Ezio scanned the room for any possible sources of escape. In the meantime, he was working on releasing himself from the ropes.

Oblivious to the growing panic that Ezio was feeling, the artist continued as he stared at his creation, "I like pigeons so I made it look like one. It's supposed to measure temperature and this beak goes into your..."

Giving a triumphant cry, Ezio undid the knots and flung himself off the bed.

Roughly throwing on his clothes, Ezio fled from the room.

"...mouth."

Giving himself a mental pat on the back, and feeling slightly guilty at the dismayed expression he had briefly caught from Leonardo, Ezio made a beeline for the house door when he stopped dead in his tracks.

_Oroo_.

From where the moonlight shone through, approximately fifty black bodies could be seen standing between him and the door, eyes glinting evilly.

Oh _merda_. _Fottiti mia vita_. _Gli uccelli si nutrono l'anima dannata intenzione di uccidermi!_

**2. Wedgie (Smilebot)**

Al Mualim sternly glared at his cocky student, continuing to pile on more and more scrolls into Altair's straining hands. "This: Your retribution."

A frown. "Malik deserved it-"

"NO ONE DESERVES A GIANT WEDGIE IN THE BATTLEFIELD!"

**3. Nether Bruises (Smilebot)**

The old doctor tiredly sighed, massaging his temples in an exasperated fashion as he regarded the Grand Master's prized student-Heavens, to think that he was so! "He'll be fine, other than a few injuries."

"WHAT THE _FUCK_? I HAVE **BRUISES** ON MY _ANUS_! YOU CALL THAT **FINE**!"

**4. Oroo? (Heian Edenwood)**

Ezio allowed himself to sink further into his daydream.

_Mmm... Leonardo..._

Pressing himself onto soft lips, he-

_Oroo_?

Opening his eyes, Ezio stared into black beady eyes.

**5. Princess Peach (Smilebot)**

Altair gaped.

"DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME? IT'S ME, MARIO!"

Silence.

"NOW GO WEAR THIS PRETTY DRESS!"

**6. …and they lived ha- Oh shit! Assassins! (Heian Edenwood)**

"And the templars captured them and they all lived happily ever after..."

"..."

"...Why are you assassins all staring at me like that?"

"Wait... no!"

"Al Mualim used the piece of Eden on me! EEK!"

"Noooo-"

**7. Welfare (Smilebot)**

Malik glared at the stubborn assassin. "Novice, how many times did I tell you that I DON'T NEED A HANDICAP BONUS?"

**8. OROO! (Heian Edenwood and Smilebot)**

He could stop looking at those lips anytime he wanted.

Those supple lips wrapped around a Popsicle.

At least that's what he told himself.

Shuddering pleasantly and barely suppressing a moan, Ezio hawkishly stared at the happily oblivious artist, eyes zooming in on the pink tongue that flicked out to lick at the tip of the Popsicle.

He swore that the artist was purposely teasing him and his loins.

"Ah! Such a wonderful view, isn't it _il mio amico_," Ezio smiled peacefully.

Letting the Popsicle dangle from his lips, Leonardo smiled innocently as he leaned over the rail and stared out innocently to sea.

"Indeed it is," Ezio growled as he pressed up to Leonardo's back and made his arousal known, "indeed it is."

Leonardo looked up, and raised an eyebrow, "Ezio, your dagger is digging me in the back."

"Mhm," Ezio hummed nonchalantly as he pressed lips gently upon the back of his artist's neck, "it is a rather dangerous weapon."

Still blissfully unaware of Ezio's advances, Leonardo frowned in slight confusion at Ezio's actions when his face suddenly brightened up. "Look Ezio, a giant spotted pigeon!"

Broken out of his erotic haze, Ezio stumbled away from Leonardo and whipped his head about in panic. PIGEON?

**OROO**.

_Oh shit._

Stepping away from the giant pudgy _THING_ that was watching him curiously, Ezio found himself backed up to the railing, the only thing between him and Venice's waters.

"_I'm watching you_," the pigeon evilly voiced, flapping its feathers as it plopped onto Leo's shoulder, _"ALWAYS…"_

There was a giant splash of water and a distant cry of concern from Leonardo.

And the fiend grinned fowlishly.


End file.
